Decadence was over. People in tutus and onesies were pooling out. Uber and taxis were scarce at 3:30 AM. it's starting to look like I'll have to make a 40 min trek back home in the snow.
I had a great night and was still living off of those high endorphins after a night of dancing. I didn't want to trouble waking my sick sister to pick me up. I remember actually dreading the walk but forcing myself to change perspective"this is going to be a nice long reflection time!"
So funny how my mind works...
I hear a honk and it took me awhile to recognize him but it's the tallass dude who lifted me up his shoulders during Disclosure. It wasn't my idea but a chick I met named Monica who adopted me into her crew of friends. She literally went up to him and said "can you lift her up too?" And then she gave him some water. Because that's the nice thing to do.
After feeling on top of the world for 10 seconds and then coming floor level to see his face of exhaustion and death, I suddenly felt rather self conscious about my weight.
It's only now after reflection and consciously separating "the story you tell yourself" from "real facts that happened and can be measured in space distance and time" that my memory recalls this guy lifting girls up all night.
He is a nice tall guy that gets poked on by short girls and is too polite to say no.
And it's not about me or my fickle insecurities.
I do not remember properly thanking him and feeling guilty for not connecting again to do so.
But here he is now. I'm 4 min into a long cold regretful walk. He pulls over with 3 other friends in the car and asks me if I'd like a ride. I'm thinking "what are the odds that he recognized me"
I guess my presence was memorable. And anyone who's seen me dance like a seizuring robot that bootypops from time to time will probably agree.
I would also like to think my "spidey areyougoingtorapeme" senses are sharp. But I'm tired and something about the way the world seemed to work for me that night made me feel okay to trust myself going into a car with 4 west coast ravers.
I get in. We soon realize that my sisters apartment is opposite way from where we are currently driving and is in opposite direction of where they are staying. 5 min of awkward fumbling navigating google maps, backtracking, and already I'm self loathing myself "oh man they so regret this altruistic gesture.. I am being such a David HASSLEhoff.."
He asks me if I just want to come and chill at their place instead. My mind took that to say "relax, I'm not going to make moves on you but this looks like it could be a hassle."
Maybe the tifflin "do it for the story" pre-almostgotfootamputated girl would have said "sure why not. Continue night of spontaneity". But my mind was telling me to listen to my body and my body was like "you need to crash and it's better to crash in your onesie on your sisters floor right now." I politely declined and he respected my decision.
5 min of silence that seemed like forever on the drive.
My subconscious thinking while he had offered a ride, his other friends on the car seemed so tired. I feel bad for robbing them of their sleep time. I let my insecurity and paranoia be known.
He said "its totally chill". And his friends nodded "yeah girl, That walk wouldn't have been good at all" I sensed sincerity and authenticity from the subtle intonation in their voice and twinkling of tired friendly eyes that show that they really mean it and weren't just spewing horse shit.
That they just wanted to see me get home safe and sound..and not get mugged by homeless people walking Denver streets.
That this is just the way the world works and should always work. Nothing but good vibes and good intentions.
We are on the way.
I am relaxed.
I am calm
But thoughts and feelings start to happen in my overworking brain again.
Why is it so hard for me to ask for help?
Why am I discrediting my self worth?
Why do we automatically want to assume the worst about people?
And then I reflect on good things that happened to me over the years I've been wandering streets solo. And despite what crazy news/social conditioning logic forecasts that I should have been hurt, raped, kidnapped, mugged, fallen off a cliff a long time ago- for all the times I put myself out there, everything has gone swimmingly fine.
And I believe it's because of good vibes. And I suddenly felt showered with it while stuffed awkwardly on the side of the car with 2 guys who I learn are from South Dakota.
Maybe I give people too much credit than their worth, but that night left such a great impression on me.
We are finally In front of my sisters apartment. I felt compelled to share to them my reMINDMeValues project, with intention to knight them with mindful wear to spread intentional living. If I didn't feel that they were actually genuine people, I probably would have stopped myself and said "nah this is not my market demographic" or "they wouldn't get it" or worse "it's not worth their time".
But I wanted for them to know that just by being themselves they were able to make someone's heart warm on a freezing night. I flushed my insecurities aside and vocalized my mission- because it's only after communication and story telling and connection can people feel empowered to express who they are and what they are about.
So I ask in curiosity "What is one value you stand for"
And I kid you not, we went in a circle and each one of them had stated 4 values that I had made to fit within one set.
Literally every single word.
A set I had made for myself two months ago when I was thinking what I wanted in a relationship and needed to remind myself of what I deserve.
A set that I happened to bring out with me that very night randomly thinking "I'll never know who I might meet"
A set that I'm so so glad can resonate with other people. Even big bro ravers from South Dakota.
And I felt like a magician who can pull out a dove out of a hat. Except it was just a bunch of elastic ties that just happened to resonate with their spirit out of a fanny pack.
The world couldn't have gotten any smaller for me then. An awesome moment of strangers meeting strangers, even if it was brief and fleeting, made a bit more tangible.
We split ways. I don't know what they had made of that night, if they tossed their bands away, or if they chose to continue to brand themselves for Decadence day2.
He assumed I was going to Day2 and that we could meet up again. But I wasn't planning on it. The effort of craigslisting another ticket the day of seemed exhausting.
So I brand this memory now in words
And it's enough for me, life will go on.
I guess that's just what I want to share.
That my last nights of 2014 was emotionally cathartic and I hope yours was too.
And that 2015 will only get better so long as you can cherish each moment and open yourself to possibilities of infinite connections you have the ability to make in this world.
Burp. I love people.