storytelling, rants

BREATHE TO SURRENDER

THE MAGNET PULL OF THE FULL MOON

Monday December 12

My friend Janira, health and wellness coach, hosts monthly Full Moon Goddess Gathering's for a connected night of release, empowerment, and sisterhood. This month's theme was about communication, very fitting with this month's Mercury retrograde. This event was cohosted by Taisha Cortez who taught our circle the practice of Non Violent Communication, expressing ourselves through our needs, values, and feelings and learning how to receive responses from others with compassion and empathy.

It was an amazing gathering that truly combined all aspects of connection, empowerment, release, and sisterhood. It was also on this night that I met Aweli Juls, intuitive healer/Reiki practitioner. She was sitting right across from me in our closed intimate circle of 15 goddesses. I immediately found her energy soothing, reassuring, and grounding and used her as an anchor throughout the night to keep me calm and present. 

I couldn't help but notice she had this refreshing essence that combined an old Gaandolf-like ancient wisdom mixed with happy Buddha child-like appreciation, wonder, and awe. Her presence and how she articulates her responses with her breath, pauses, and intonations gives off the impression that everything she does is with pure mindful intention- from the very first inhale to the final exhale as if to say "I SEE YOU"

Whatever pull she had, it was magnetic, and it was this subtle yet powerful attraction of energy that compelled me at the end of the night to approach her and express my gratitude for her divine presence on the floor.

**One of the biggest thing I've learned from my Coaching Program is that the time span between acknowledging a deep thought-provoking desire and voicing it out loud is close to instant. When I'm attracted to someone's energy, I'll automatically say something. It's vulnerably real and has proven to bring forth an abundance of love, acceptance and at the very least, release of good intentions.

She too had acknowledged my own pull and magnet from across the room. It was confirmed later by her God's that we were meant to meet. We made plans to reconnect later that week for lunch.  

THE MAGIC OF BREATH 

Friday December 16

On the morning of our meet up, I was cleaning up my apartment before making moves. I noticed one reMINDmeband on my living room floor. It must have fallen from my bag (this happens often). I saw the word BREATHE. I wore it without thinking and rushed out to make the trek into the city.

Aweli and I met at Jivamukti Cafe, a hidden quiet gem cafe spot/yoga studio located in the center of Union Square. Our conversations centered around our past and present, and how we find the integration of our healing modalities to be the central guiding force in wherever our journey may take us in the future. While she was talking, I began to realize with increasing certainty that the band I wore on my wrist that day was meant to be hers.

Funny enough, the tarot card I received at the Goddess gathering said GIFTS, so in the spirit of all of this synchronicity, I surprised her with the BREATHE band. Right away came this Buddha-like outcry of joy and acknowledgement! I had no choice but to choose this as the high sensation moment to share via Facebook LIVE. This is part of my 7 day #BANDChallengeCONFIDENCE series to show up authentically to the public as I am (oftentimes messy but super real in my high/low moments during the day)

In this live video, Aweli leads us into a meditation breath exercise and I also ask her to reveal her insights about BREATHE as a practice.

"The magic of breath is that we are all in that space, be it through movement, voice, or simply being. It is something that connects us all as human beings and to the Earth, as a universal being. Breath is something that is so resonant for me because so much can be expressed, so much can be learned and seen through breath."

When you are excited, your breath increases. When you’re sad, it may also increase. When we express anger and say we are screaming, we need more breath to become louder, to be heard. What need are we meeting through that breath? Or feeling overwhelmed, taking a breath. Or feeling super joyful. There are so many ways and its so connected.

Breath is a connection when you are working with other people and connecting with yourself. Breath for me is centering. Breath for me is a reminder that I am here. That we are here. And that we are present. Breath always brings us back to presence.

And I noticed through my own journey that when I breathe and take the time to not be passive about breath but be present in my breath, that I am able to listen. I am able to more clearly understand- not only what is going on within myself but when I’m interacting with other beings. And through that I am really able to receive the gift of listening to someone and receiving their spirit and their heart, which helps me better understand their process and their journey and their compassion, love, what resonates- everything that makes them who they are and sharing that connection. So breath is the connector of all.

So I encourage you as you continue throughout your day today, even right now, in the train to work, or when you are cooking, take a nice deep breath. If nothing else, it just feels so darn good.

And sometimes breath is hard, especially situations that are overwhelming, I encourage you to reach out- to connect to people- to ask them to breathe with you. Because we are here together. Together, we are stronger. Together, we are whole. I am grateful to share Breath with you. Everyday. Forever.

Be gentle with yourself, because you are exactly where you need to be." Aweli

What a beautiful transmission of a woman in flow who truly exercises her birthright to breathe and be present to the moment in connection with herself and others! What an inspiration and such a good reminder to us all!

Interestingly enough, just after I gift her BREATHE, I found myself with a case of the energy leak and overflow of suppressed emotions. It happened as I was expressing my final gratitudes and she felt my body collapse and hiccup against her.

With a sudden tone of seriousness, Aweli looks at me and says that it seems as if I have pain stored behind my heart and it was as if someone is still attached to me and I need to let that go. My body started twitching even more so at her, very similar to the experience I had at Burning Man with 3 intuitive healers touching me and encouraging me to LET GO.

She offered to come over to my house for a healing session. I've heard about Past Life Regression in the past once before and while my mind wasn't totally convinced, I found that my body desperately wanted answers. The truth is that your body doesn't lie. I've been leaning in to nourishing it more and more. It wanted answers and so I said yes, why not. 

BREATHE TO SURRENDER 

Sunday December 18

Aweli comes over mid afternoon. She first burns sage to cleanse my apartment, the room we were going to do work in, and then my body, and finally her own before we  officially start. She lights candles around the room and sprays me with Rosewater. I am equal parts terrified, curious, and excited for what lies ahead. Already, I feel my body sinking in as I lay diagonal on my bed.

I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to feel. I don’t know how long this will take. I am a little bit skeptical but am open to the ideas that anything can happen. 

As I am laying still, Aweli tells me to be natural with my breath. I'm thinking, resisting, trying hard not to think about resisting. Slowly my subconscious drifts towards what had been nagging internally within and it was suddenly getting harder to avoid. I'm thinking about my father.

Aweli read my mind and asks "What do you want to say to your father?"

Through her voice and guided Reiki practice, I began to visualize myself when I was a baby in the hospital. I then felt my mother's pain giving labor and carrying me alone. My father was nowhere to be seen. I felt her pain and her shame growing inside her. I felt our abandonment issues tied even before I was born, while I was in her womb, and the residual effects leading up to where I am today. I felt my anger and resentment fill me up inside at what was always left unsaid. I felt this utter sense of disapproval and lack of respect for my father and yet an equally strong force of yearning for acceptance and wanting to be seen by him. 

My body started reacting, my chest was heaving up and down in motion, my breath was noticeably taking in more air to process what was happening. I found myself sobbing and felt the tears surrendering to the gravity of the situation and fill up in the tiny crevice of my ears. What an overwhelming pool of emotion, so much to handle in such a tiny little space...

Aweli guides me into the light with more visualization practices where I see my father outside of the hospital room. We acknowledge he is scared. I acknowledge him. I bring my own baby body to him and he embraces me wholeheartedly with love and attention, what I know he has unconditionally to offer to me now in this present day yet I've resisted and blocked due to my own defenses that prevented me from giving him full passage to my heart. 

She told me to picture this white radiant glow emanating from our union. I forgive him. I release him. I let go of my resentment. I let go of my victim consciousness. More sobbing with smiles and tears of joy to follow...

So that was Climax #1...

There's Climax #2 and #3 that have to deal with trauma from my past lives of being raped and then having to give away my child...this starts getting super heady. My mind was surprised "oh, say what?!" and then my body responded with an "oh, I guess that makes sense".

I surrendered control of my defensive state of mind and was able to acknowledge a significant moment in my past and accept where I am in the present. There has been a constant theme in the past couple of months of forgiveness and acceptance in my life. While I was able to play with this profound belief that I suffered from abandonment issues throughout my life, it was this experience that had allowed me freedom to viscerally feel into it and break free from its control.

It also allowed me to look at my behavior from the outside-in and see that I don't need to fuel my pain even further by choosing to abandon others before they abandon me...

I don't have to constantly run away seeking a better version of home...

And so it is. 

What's eerily interesting is that it all circles back to Breathe.

I was able to take in everything Aweli said on our lunch date about Breathe and actually use that as a guiding compass to center myself and realize my Truth. I saw Breathe being a connector to understand my trust and relationship with myself and the people in my head. I also paid attention to where I notice breathe showing up in my body and that after a deep inhale-exhale, I can consciously choose where to proceed from the information and visualizations presented to me.

During these intimate moments of unfamiliar territory via intuitive healing touch, there were moments where I tried to control the situation with my mind and remain skeptic- I found myself holding my breath and not breathing as if in denial and resistance to what could naturally occur.

When Aweli reminded me to breathe, my body took control over my mind and that was when I found surrender. I found myself naturally and incrementally breathing louder and louder. As she was flicking off the metaphorical ashes that was pouring out from my chest, my upper torso felt pulled in up and down spastic motions and I dramatically purged the repressed pain that was stored within my bodily cells from past generations with loud outbursts of "I AM WORTHY. I AM WORTHY. I AM WORTHY" Over and over again, I cried until I believed it to be totally true.

Coming close to the final end of our two hour healing session, I fell into a coma-like state of exhaustion. Aweli sang me literally to sleep after ending on the note “Welcome Home." It was a beautiful and welcoming melody, in a strange language that I did not recognize but fell into peace with. 

When I woke up, I felt reborn, revitalized, and light in my heart.

Later on during the night, I messaged my family. I apologized and acknowledged my father for his unconditional love. He said "I thought you knew me. I was your first man when you opened your first eyes" and I felt floored. And with that, I close this chapter of my life. 

Writing this series of events is helping me process and think about “whats next?” for me in terms of my relationship with self, breath, mind, body, spirit, men, women. I guess time will tell. 

Breath is a connection when you are working with other people and connecting with yourself. Breath for me is centering. Breath for me is a reminder that I am here. That we are here. And that we are present. Breath always brings us back to presence. Be gentle with yourself, because you are exactly where you need to be.

Breath is a connection when you are working with other people and connecting with yourself. Breath for me is centering. Breath for me is a reminder that I am here. That we are here. And that we are present. Breath always brings us back to presence. Be gentle with yourself, because you are exactly where you need to be.

If you would like to contact Aweli for her healing services or just to ask questions about her practices, you can find her through instagram @mysticmagicmama or email at aweli.juls@gmail.com

Thanks for listening. And remember breathe and surrender.
You never know what might come and go...

Gratefully yours,

Tiffany

Sisters. So good to be reunited in this life...

Sisters. So good to be reunited in this life...